Perfectionism

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What is Perfectionism? The Warning Signs Te Whakatutukitanga What to do about it

What is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is often portrayed as a virtue. On the sports field, in relationships, at university or at work, we are continually encouraged to be the best.

But for many this striving for perfection can have an opposite, debilitating effect. The expectations we have of ourselves, or that we perceive from others, can cause undue stress and prevent us from achieving what we want.

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The Warning Signs

All-or-nothing attitudes:

• "I have to be top of the class, otherwise what's the point."
• "Anything less than an A is embarrassing!"

You may feel the need to be the 'perfect' partner or student - anything less is to fail. There is no room for accepting the things you do well and learning from the ones you don't. You lose your sense of perspective.

A sense of powerlessness:

• "I spend far too many hours on a project and even hand it in late ... because it just has to be perfect."

The things you feel you 'must' and 'should' do often drive you to do things you don't want to, and stop you doing other things you enjoy.

Perfectionists are often obsessed by their own routine. They never feel they do enough and constantly strive to increase their output regardless of the effect.

A sense of failure:

• "I have to work so hard that I don't enjoy what I do and I feel constantly guilty if I relax."

Goals that are too high inevitably lead to feelings of failure and uselessness.

A lack of growth:

• "If someone takes issue with what I say in a meeting or tutorial, I won't say anything after that."

Mistakes are not examples of failure, but opportunities to learn and grow.

The need for approval:

Because you can't attain your perfectionist goals, you're more likely to build your self-esteem from the approval of others. This can make you vulnerable to others' opinions, fearful of disapproval, defensive and driven even further in your quest for perfection.

The need for love:

• "If (s)he doesn't turn up on time, (s)he doesn't love me enough."

Always trying to appear perfect and expecting perfection in others can make you over-critical. This can make close relationships difficult.

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Te Whakatutukitanga

Whaia te iti kahurangi, ki te tuoho koe me he maunga teitei. Ahakoa e tika ana, me mohio ano te tangata ki ona ake kaha, ki ona ake pai. Ma te hanga whainga wa poto, wa roa hoki ka reka ake te whakatutukitanga. Mehemea kare e taea, hei aha. Me ngana ano. Kare a Roma i hangaia i te ra kotahi.

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What to do about it

Perfectionism, like any form of addiction, is best dealt with by taking the following steps:

• Recognise your perfectionist behaviour, and
• Acknowledge it; and
• Challenge it.

To challenge your perfectionist tendencies requires a change in the way you think and do things. This is never easy. The first thing to do is to STOP and assess your situation; then take definite steps to change.

Set realistic goals:

Try to get an overview of your situation and ask yourself what you really want. Keep this in mind when you set your goals and try and be realistic about what you can achieve. Check with a close friend (or a counsellor) whether they think your goals are realistic and achievable.

Value the process:

Value the process as much as the result.

• Break your big goals into smaller tasks, for an on-going sense of achievement.
• When writing an essay, enjoy the thinking and research as much as your final grade.

Keep things in perspective:

Step back and try to be aware of obsessive behaviour. You may, for example, find yourself sacrificing everything to get an 'A' in an essay or exam. What about the other important things in your life?

Learn to distinguish which tasks are important and give the greatest return. Put effort into those tasks, and be prepared to cut corners with the others.

Acknowledge and learn from your mistakes:

Remember: no mistakes, no progress. Be open with yourself and with others about the mistakes you've made. Value people's comments and criticism and learn from them.

Be a self-supporter:

Turn self-criticism into affirmation + encouragement. Instead of backing away from something because you feel you can't do it well enough, say to yourself:

• "I'll do this the best I can in these circumstances."
• "I know this isn't the perfect answer to this exam question but I can at least say something which will get me marks."

If you are feeling over-anxious about something, ask yourself:

• Am I expecting too much?
• What are the consequences of not achieving perfection?
• What else is important?
• Move on!