Involvement of Children and Fathers During Separation and Post-Divorce Life

In November 2003 Joan Kelly presented an interesting and informative workshop on the importance of listening to children's voices during the process of parental separation and divorce, and the involvement of fathers in their children’s lives following divorce.

Assumptions held by parents and courts about children and their best interests prevent their inclusion in separation decision-making. With diverse and ongoing changes within family structure and roles however, these assumptions can no longer be held as 'true'. Effects of not consulting children seem to be both short term, for example increased feelings of anxiety, sadness and confusion in the child, and longer term, such as feelings of loss and longing for more time with their fathers.

Involving children in mediation, can be helpful in providing children with an opportunity to talk about their situation and have some influence over how it will affect them, with most involved in the process appearing to view it positively. Joan outlined a number of principles and strategies she follows for involving children in the most effective and safe manner. She sees children separately from their parents and siblings and carefully structures the session. Mediation can positively influence parents’ attitudes and behaviours, leading to reduced conflict, more effective parenting skills and higher commitment to resolution and structured parenting plans.

Divorce education programmes, which include streams for children, are useful and cost effective means to involve children and allow for healthy separation transitions. Programmes provide children with opportunities to discuss feelings and reactions, to develop effective ways of coping and to communicate thoughts and feelings to parents. Communication pathways between 'adult' and 'children' streams provide parents with information on children’s responses and adjustment to separation and divorce. Group dialogue appears to mitigate individual blame and help children overcome fears of speaking out. Research findings indicate parents tend to be more co-operative and willing to settle following participation.

For most children the loss of a parent seems to be the most negative effect of divorce. For example, when contact is longer than 12 days apart young children report fathers as becoming peripheral to their lives. Research findings suggest that a close father-child relationship and frequent contact is linked to positive adjustment of children during and following parental separation. Barriers to father involvement include institutional practices, fathers' psychological states, mothers' attitudes, remarriage and partnering, and relocation. Non adversarial interventions such as research based divorce educational materials for parents and custody mediation offer useful forums for challenging these barriers, where the focus is on children’s needs and reaching agreements on parenting plans.